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30 DAYS OF DEEP AND RANDOM QUESTIONS (a series)

 DAY 18

"Who was the first person to make you feel insecure about yourself?"

As I am writing this right now, I was suppose to tell you that the person that made me insecure about myself was ME.

But as I took a step back and look into my life of why I was so insecure of who I am, from the way I look, and the way I dress was not because of one person, try a whole section. Like every other kid, I had rough childhood, not from parents, but from classmates. Way back elementary anda time in highschool I went through a hell of bullying. And maybe thats one of the reasons I chose not to associate myself anymore with those people and ignore events that would entail I get to see those individuals.

Elementary was hellish for me, that it almost made me quit school, and throw everything out of the bus. When a whole class of classmates choose to call you names on a daily basis, boy it was not easy. Self-confidence sunk, always had my head down (I guess its one of the reasons I chose to hate crowds and isolate in my own world), and if I was needed, I have always found a way to distant myself from all that surrounds. Fitting-in became difficult. It made me feel insecure and unlovable. Experiencing that type of horror at such a young age made me question and doubt everything.

And now as an adult, with all the clamours of society, and attainments I was able to muster, When I get a compliment it feels weird and does not sit right on the top of my guts. That feeling that maybe it is sarcastic, maybe its just out of goodwill, or maybe it was just a way of making a joke. Compliments never felt right, I would give people genuine compliments, but recieving one feels wrong for me.

I am proud of what I have done, and what I have accomplished over the years but damn the feeling just doesn't seem right, and its all wrong.

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